METAL MONTHLY: Right off the bat, pardon the pun, how is it that your metal-thrash band, No Ballads, is also labeled categorically for “Comedy”?

NB: JUST LOOK AT US!

MM: So, what is it about “Emo” that so disturbed you that you formed the identity of your band name around opposing it?

NB: WE ARE JUST NATURAL ENEMIES. I DON'T REALLY CARE TO ELABORATE ANY
FURTHER THAN THAT AS IT WOULD TAKE UP THE WHOLE INTERVIEW.

MM: On the other hand then, if you wrote a song about “Love“, what would be the title, and what would it sound like?

NB: IT WOULD BE A METAL MASTERPIECE ENTITLED "NO BALLADS FUCKED YOUR MOM!"

MM: Hmm, well what is it about “obesity” that you find so musically inspiring?

NB: THE WHOLE APATHETIC, LIVIN' FOR THE DAY MENTALITY THAT THESE PEOPLE
EXHIBIT ONLY LIVE ONCE SO YOU SHOULD TAKE THE OPPORTUNITY TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST DESPITE THE OBJECTION OF SOCIETY'S IMAGE "IDEALS"...AND THE ADVICE OF PHYSICIANS!

MM: Sounds like fun....Now, why is “Living the Dream” your MySpace headline?

NB: WE HAVE FORSAKEN EVERYTHING TO EMBARK UPON THE RIGHTEOUS METAL CRUSADE!

MM: Okay. Apart from your crusade, under one of your pictures it reads, “Slay the Gay”. What message do you want to communicate to your fans, and the public, through this captioned photo?

NB: JUST AS EVERY MAN HAS THE RIGHT TO SODOMIZE ANOTHER MAN AND THROW A PARADE CELEBRATING IT, I IN TURN SHOULD HAVE THE RIGHT TO CONTRADICT
THEIR SICK NOTIONS AND PERSUADE THEM TO SLAY THE GAY AWAY FROM OUR LIVES FOR THE GREATER GOOD! YES, EVERYONE SHOULD HAVE THE RIGHT TO EXPRESS THEMSELVES SO WHEN THEY UTILIZE THIS RIGHT AND OFFEND ME WITH THEIR REVOLTING RHETORIC, I SHOULD HAVE THE ABILITY TO UTILIZE THAT SAME RIGHT AND OFFEND THEM BACK WITHOUT BEING LABELED A BIGOT!

MM: Now, in terms of the other bands of the Death Metal-Thrash genre, what do you offer that is different?

NB: WE EMBELLISH ANOTHER SIDE OF METAL. COMES A POINT AT WHICH IS
COMMONLY ATTAINED IN THIS GENRE WHEN YOU TAKE YOURSELF SO SERIOUSLY THAT YOU JUST BECOME CHEESY. INSTEAD OF THE SAME OLD RE-HASH OF SATAN, DEATH, GOTH VOCALS, AND BLASPHEMY OF CHRIST, WE PREFER TO GLORIFY BOOBS, BINGE DRINKING, ROAD RAGE, GROUPIES, GOIN' POSTAL, OBESITY, AND OF COURSE KILLING ALLAH!

MM: So tell me now, what kind of live experience do you provide for your fans, in terms of stage presence and performance-style?

NB: WE LIKE TO BREAK STUFF, GIVE OUT PORK CHIPS, AND GET KICKED OUT
BECAUSE OF OUR STRIPPERS. WE WILL USUALLY SAVE THE HARDCORE SHIT FOR THE END SO THAT EVERYONE CAN ENJOY THE FULL HEAD-BANGIN' NO BALLADS
EXPERIENCE BEFORE WE ARE INEVITABLY BANNED FROM YET ANOTHER VENUE!

MM: Moving on to discussing your music....How would you describe the social conscience behind your song, “Morbidly”?

NB: WELL LIKE I SAID BEFORE YOU SHOULD COUNT EVERY DAY AS A BLESSING AND LIVE LIKE YOU'LL BE KILLED BY AN ISLAMIC TERRORIST AT ANY SECOND! THEY ARE JUST JEALOUS OF OUR FREE AND INDULGENT CULTURE, SO UNLESS WE ARE NOT JUST EATING TO LIVE, BUT LIVING TO EAT...THE TERRORISTS WIN!

MM: As for your second song, “Metal Crusade”, what is the significance of the symphonic intro?

NB: IT'S EPIC AND NOBLE JUST LIKE OUR AMBITIONS!

MM: In terms of your third song, “Disgruntled” what is the contextual meaning of the lyric containing the word, ‘whore’?

NB: MY SUPERVISOR AT BILL MILLER'S WAS A FILTHY FUCKING WHORE!

M.M: Referring to your fourth and final song, “Rage”, why is it that you "don’t give a fuck / about the right of way’?

NB: BECAUSE I'M FILLED WITH INSANE ROAD RAGE OF COURSE!

MM: And now, for the final question of the interview. Again referring back to one of your photos, what is it that you think “sucks” about the genre of Hip-Hop?

NB: WELL JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING. ITS A CULTURE THAT GLORIFIES CRIME,
STREET GANGS, SELFISH ARROGANCE, ILLITERACY, NOT TO MENTION BAD
GRAMMAR. GOOD FOR YOU. HAVE A DU RAG AND BAGGY CLOTHS, AND YOU
TALK LIKE AN UNEDUCATED IDIOT WHO WILL "POP A CAP IN MY ASS" BECAUSE YOU HAVE AN OPPOSING VIEW POINT AND ARE TOO STUPID TO EXPRESS YOURSELF OTHERWISE. I CAN'T HAVE A RADIO, SPEAKERS, OR RIMS ON MY VEHICLE BECAUSE YOU WILL STEAL THEM. I CAN'T EVEN WATCH MTV ANYMORE SINCE YOU TOOK THAT OVER. I REALLY HAVE A HARD TIME UNDERSTANDING WHY THIS FORM OF EXPRESSION IS SO FUCKIN' POPULAR. SOMETIMES IT JUST SEEMS LIKE EVERYONE IS UNJUSTIFIABLY PROUD TO BE A SELF-CENTERED UNEDUCATED "THUG GANGSTA ASSHOLE. IT'S JUST ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE THINGS THAT REALLY MAKES ME SICK !

MM: Well, that's it! Thank you, No Ballads. On behalf of METAL MONTHLY, Mary would like to express her appreciation to Mike for his participation in this interview.

NB: THANK YOU! AND DON'T FORGET THAT NO BALLADS WILL BE THE SUPPORTING
ACT FOR JOEY BELLADONA OF ANTHRAX @9PM ON APRIL THE 26TH @ ROSEDALE
PARK. FOR PRE-SALE TICKETS CALL (210) 957-2400!....SO UH MARY, WHAT ARE
YOU DOIN' LATER ON??....

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