NUMBER 10

SLASH

I gotta admit, I'm not really sure exactly what Slash looks like. But I have gotten a glimpse behind the wall of hair and yep. This guy is no poster boy for Hollywood Leading men. Nor is he the poster boy for handsome headbangers. If there was such a thing. In fact, just using the term 'boy' in this will probably take me off Saul's X-Mas card list. But that's cool. It'll be just like the other 35 years of my life. Did I say 35 ? I meant 22. Seriously. You're buying it right ?

NUMBER 9

EDDIE VAN HALEN

Eddie is a guitar legend. And for that, I have the utmost respect for him. But this isn't about great guitarists is it ? Nope. This is about ugly. Now take a moment to really look at this picture I conveniently provided to the left. You see ? Yeah. I know, he doesn't look a whole lot like that now since he came back from a trip to denial and cut his hair and consumed many red bulls. But you know people will always remember this wild eyed 'I'm one sick mofo' pic. And rightly so. It's damn ugly. And no matter how you slice it, rotten cake is rotten cake with any frosting.

 

NUMBER 8

ALICE COOPER

Believe it or not the pic you see here is actually a good pic of Mr. Cooper. Trust me. There are some really bad ones out there. But this is just my way of saying that even the best of Alice can be pretty bad. No. NOT HIS MUSIC. I'm talking about that meaningless physical stuff. Remember ? Did I mention he's pretty young in this pic. Google an update. Be prepared.

NUMBER 7

GENE SIMMONS

Argh. That hair. That freakin' hair. And sure, he had plastic surgery on his reality show. But this is what he REALLY looks like. So yeah sure Gene, you're a billionaire Rock God. But deep down, you're still butt ugly. Give me a million bucks, and I'll take that back. See, ugly or not, I learn from the Demon himself. And you are aware that this beacon of buttitude claims to have slept with over 5,000 women right ? That's the equivalent of the entire Chapter of Blind Women Rockers of Chattanooga, Tennessee.

NUMBER 6

LARS ULRICH

Lars should be honored. I was going to pick his band mate James Hetfield for this spot but that eternal forehead was the convincer. Rumor says that James used to read the lyrics for songs right off of Lars forehead in the early days. And we're talking lyrics for a good ten song set. And doesn't he have like millions of dollars ? Can he not afford a decent weave ?

 

NUMBER 5

STEPHEN PEARCY

Stephen Pearcy is definitely uglier than a rat's ass. Ironic, considering he's...you know...a Ratt. Even in his heyday when he was young and popular he was quite the sight. And time is not on his side. Anyone that's saying " Aw come on, that's mean. " really needs to understand that the truth prevails. And I'm not mean. I'm realistic.

NUMBER 4

NICKO McBRAIN

Fantastic drummer with the weird name gets the number four spot because, well, he's not good looking. Seriously. Can you say he is ? No you can't. And what if I offered you a hundred bucks to say he's handsome ? You couldn't take the money could you ? You wouldn't be able to say it. Go ahead. Try it. Try saying " Nicko McBrain is handsome. " Say it without laughing.

 

NUMBER 3

RONNIE JAMES DIO

This little guy gets in the top three with a look that can best be described as mystic elf. He's got the hair thing. The bug eyes thing. The forehead thing. The shorter than average thing. Damn. He's got it all in the not having it all department. And yes, this probably means I'll never get to Interview Dio. But that's cool. I don't remember putting in that request.

 

NUMBER 2

LEMMY KILMISTER

Before you even got to this page, you just knew the Motorhead madman would be on this list right ? In fact, you probably thought he'd be number one on the ugly stick list. But you were wrong ! He's number two. Ummmm...you know what I mean.

 

NUMBER 1

PAUL STANLEY

Paul's appearance on this list gives KISS the dubious distinction of being the only band to have two members on the ugly list. CONGRATS KISS ! YEAH ! We all know the old joke about how this is the reason they wore makeup. But did you know that Paul truly believes he's the hot playboy good looking rocker his bio says he is ? It's true. And this time the joke's on Senor Stanley. One day I hope to meet this legend. And I will tell him the truth. Once I stop laughing uncontrollably. After about 20 minutes.