NUMBER 10

NICKELBACK

In an effort to keep this list contemporary and updated I've included Nickelback. They do not rock. I came to this conclusion after listening to their music closely and being unable to tell which song I was listening to simply because they all sound the same. Seems like the 'Backers found a hit right off the bat and decided to stick with that formula. You know what I'm talking about. Plus, I really can't stand the contradictory references in their messages. One minute they're singing about never hurting a lady, defending her, and treating her right, the next they're singing about some slut on her knees that "looks good with something in her mouth. " Ugh. What the hell is that about. Oh wait. I see. Save the damsel in distress so you can have a slut treat afterwards. I'm thinking so Nickelback now aren't I ?

NUMBER 9

THE DOORS

The Doors. Hmmmmm.....what happened here ? Why was this Band ever labeled as rock ? Because they did drugs ? So did Boy George but he's never been called a rocker. Because Jim Morrison was a strange enigmatic character onstage ? So was PeeWee Herman but he's never been called a rocker. Because the Band did lots of drugs and wrote psychotic poetry ? So did Edgar Allen Poe and he's never been called a rocker. So what does that leave us with ? LONG HAIR ! Jim Morrison had long hair ! But wait, so does Willie Nelson and he's never been called a rocker. Although he does drink a lot, smoke herb like a train, and have very little respect for the government. And that rocks. Damn. I kinda forgot my point...

NUMBER 8

THE POLICE

Naming yourself after an authority group that makes and enforces rules does NOT give you the right to call yourself rockers. Sting and those other two guys whose names very few people remember had some big hits like 'Roxanne' and 'Every Little Breath' and 'Message in a Bottle' and not one of these songs nor any other they ever produced freakin' rock. I mean, come on. Tell anyone that you think both The Police AND Black Sabbath rock and you'll get some strange looks. That would be the equivalent of saying that both milk and beer get you drunk because they're both liquids. Now spend the rest of the day trying to remember those other two guys names without consulting Google.

NUMBER 7

FOREIGNER

Some of the guys in the Band were British. Some were American. Hence : Foreigner. Albeit this is not the first time a Band has forsaken creativity for laziness, I still feel strongly that they should have called themselves " The Untouched". With songs like "Feels like the First Time", "Urgent", and "Can't Wait" this Band cemented their place in the Hall of Anthems for oversexed and under aged young dudes everywhere. Their claim to 'rock' fame however lies in " Jukebox Hero". I beg to differ. Any song that refers to someone that grew up to become a rock star as 'that boy has got to stay on top.' is not rocking. Anybody feel like walking up to Lemmy and calling him a boy ?

NUMBER 6

FLEETWOOD MAC

When did Fleetwood Mac become a rock band ? I did not receive that memo. Look, I'm not going to attack their musicianship. They're solid musicians. Most of them are anyway. But that does not make them rockers. I can't slam down several beers and crank up " Rhiannon" while headbanging or playing air scarf. It just doesn't work.

NUMBER 5

ROLLING STONES

Long ago, before there was this thing we call Earth, there was a Band called the Rolling Stones. And long after this thing called Earth is gone, there will still be a Band called the Rolling Stones. Therefore, although I am adamant in my opinion that they do not rock, much like the mighty cockroach, they will endure. That doesn't make it right.

NUMBER 4

JOURNEY

I got to see Journey live many moons ago when they headlined the Texxas Jam at the Astrodome. They shared a stage with Sammy Hagar, Point Blank, Santana, and Joan Jett. Here's the summary : Joan Jett kicked ass. I walked out during Journey's live version of "Open Arms". On the way out of the 'Dome I got caught up in a crowd and when I got to the car I found out I had been stabbed in the side. Some fool was obviously taking random swipes at people. I was so wasted I hadn't even felt it. It wasn't too bad, and the alcohol took away most of the pain, but I blame Journey for that. Because of YOU Journey, I was stabbed. There. That makes sense.

NUMBER 3

EUROPE

Anyone that knows me knows that I really can't stand Europe. There are so many reasons why, and I must admit I find it utterly fascinating that so many people bought into the EUROPE ROCKS ! thing. How did they pull this off I wonder ? And then, like a bolt from the Sky, it hits me : They didn't pull it off. They wrote sappy songs in the 80s. And I think we can all agree that sappy 80s songs were all the rage once upon a time. From what I understand, they're making a comeback. Please. If I want sap, I'll go to the tree in my backyard. It's not Musical, but it doesn't whine a version of "Carrie" either. Hey, that's it. The analogy I was looking for ! I'd rather listen to a bunch of trees than Europe. Oh man. That's saying a lot.

NUMBER 2

JETHRO TULL

Yeah, yeah, we all know. Tull. Metallica. The Grammy thing. Old News. But I wanted to take a moment to remind everyone they're STILL considered rock by some sources. This has to stop. Seriously. We can not allow this band to further depreciate the value of rock by their association. Now let's ALL go find every copy of anything Tull and make a huge Bonfire. Then let's write notes to Metallica letting them know we did NOT do it for them. On a side note, I hereby promise to NEVER bring up the name of that flutist again.

NUMBER 1

THE BEATLES

I have an acquaintance that never tires of telling me " The Beatles rock ! They started Rock-n-Roll ! Have you heard the intro to "Revolution" ! " And I always have the same response. " My dishwasher makes that much noise, but I don't go around calling it music. "